Futuristic Babies

October 29, 2009

Sometimes I talk to my friends about what we’re going to do with our future babies.  Which is weird habit because I have no boyfriend and no prospects at the mo’, and perhaps more importantly have zip zero ability to raise a child right now.  That doesn’t mean this isn’t an entertaining exercise, because who wouldn’t want to dress up two babies as a Hamburger and the Hamburglar and watch them chase each other?  Especially if the Burger Baby goes after the Hamburglar…..oh the irony!


Crushes. Part Deux.

October 14, 2009

You so sexy.

You so sexy.

Lovely post my raven haired friend, it definitely got me in a crushing frame of mind. For example, my upstairs neighbor has been playing Beatles songs on the sax all evening, and while I have no idea if he’s cute, or perhaps more importantly if he is actually a “he” and not a “she”, I know that I love him. I also have a crush on one of the employees at the Park Slope Co-op, tonight he got me a box cutter and I almost swooned from the romance of it all. But perhaps the most important lesson of my crushes , is that it’s the nervous uncertainty that I like.

Historically, I tend to err more on the side of nervous uncertainty, playing it so safe that I often don’t even introduce myself or talk to my object of affection. Thus dwelling in the painful land of unrequited (or more accurately entirely unknown) love. This summer, however, I have been experimenting….

Lesson One: Airing out all your crazy and then having sex with someone, is often exciting – but not a recommended manner in which to keep the attention of ones’ crush. Because after the exciting part fades, the cray-cray remains. Bad plan.

Lesson Two: Having a crush on a group of guys is NOT the same as having a crush on one fellow in particular. I cannot stress this enough, a charismatic group does not always make for charismatic individuals. In this situation, just mildly crush on everyone. Do not commit!  And then, after you convince them all to have a crush on you, you get the pick of the litter! (Time-willing – sometimes this plan takes years)

Lesson Three: After a rejection, it is easy to think that you would like to date someone who could just be “honest” about their feelings for you. Someone who liked you, and wasn’t afraid to show it. You are wrong. It is stressful in the exact opposite way a crush is stressful – tedious and burdensome. Bummer.

Conclusion: Play it cool. Look at Cool Hand Luke, he is as sexy as they come and is so cool his nickname includes the word.  Although with my track record, I’d probably try to screw him on the first date and wiff that ball too….


October 8, 2009


I love and hate having crushes. Flashbacks arise to one of my earlier crushes, lets call him, I don’t know, Rob. Actually his name was Rob. Later on I found out that his middle name was Thomas and couldn’t stop making jokes about it, further alienating him. He had a hearing aid and his eyes were set sort of like a hammerhead shark’s, I could have loved him. After a series of failed attempts at initiating, I somehow through a stuttering phone call asked him if he’d like to get a drink. Shockingly, he agreed. I was nervous and reticent with my conversation at a nearby bar.

He attempted to engage in conversation:
“On the count of ten tell me the most embarrassing thing about yourself you can think of.”
I replied with exactly the worst response that could be ushered forth from my mouth:
“I had a UTI last year.”
Immediately I cringed, I’m not sure that I had even had one. You see, I have this nearly demonic voice that makes me say the worst thing possible during situations where I have my personal dignity laid out on the line. Dates and interviews tend to bring this voice out, it was responsible for me spouting out an anecdote related to my urinary tract. It has also been responsible for me being yelled at for trying to touch the artwork in museums. He replied with his most embarrassing moment after a moment’s hesitation.
“I used to be a dj on college radio”
Needless to say I never spoke with him again. I would not be surprised to find out that he has a restraining order against me.

Meat Market… mmmm

September 30, 2009

meat marketApparently Union Pool is the place to get laid. I feel like we already knew that. 

Frankly, I like places with lots of singles. Couples sometimes make me feel sick (I’m feeling a tad cynical at the moment, so I apologies for my negativity) Even though I’m in a relationship now (at least, I think I am?) and the following doesn’t apply to my fellow skirt intelligentsias. But quite honestly, most couples aren’t any fun to be around, they’re smug, unfriendly, and do gross things like pick food out of each other’s teeth in public.

And if you make the mistake of being the 3rd, 5th or even 9th wheel while hanging out in a group, inevitably at some point in the night you’ll find yourself alone because everyone you know is throat deep in each other’s mouths. And when this happens, you better hope you’re at a place like Union Pool -so you can easily make new friends. Otherwise, you’re on your own baby and nursing a PBR alone at the bar is very depressing.

So yes, being single can suck. But I prefer the smell of intoxicating desperation to the stench of exclusive self-righteous condescension.