So I had my 90-day review at work, and it was fucking awful. At the end of the day my boss hands me a list of grievances which included (among other things): I’m constantly late, I’m irresponsible with confidential information, I’m belligerent towards co-workers, and I do poor design work. It just seemed so over the top, so blown out of proportion that it felt farcical, it didn’t even hit me until later that night when I realized I had to have a follow-up meeting about it the next day.

So the next morning I come in early with a list of responses, dressed in a nice sweater and slacks, hair and makeup all ready, and a smile on my face. I had no intention of causing a ruckus, I just wanted to let him know that there are two sides to every story. The minute I walk into his office, I say “hi Jon, how are you?” and he immediately snaps, “First of all, you have to stop calling me Jon. Nobody else does that.” (His name is Jonathan).

That knocked my confidence down a little, so I decided not to even mention my list of responses. I signed the list of grievances and said I’d work to be better. Then he says, “there were also some things that I didn’t put on the list, because they’re hard to put into words (read: hard to get past HR). When you fake cheerfulness, it makes everything weird. When you smile and have contempt underneath, people can tell. People aren’t STUPID.”

I was completely taken aback. I don’t have contempt for anybody. Um, I was trying to have a good attitude? I try to make the best out of a corporate job? I make smalltalk with co-workers and it feels pretty normal to me, I’ve never sensed any awkwardness from ANYONE except him. I went back to my desk and totally couldn’t hold in the tears, it was really embarrassing.

What sucks the most is that we’re supposed to be a team, and back each other up and support each other. But now I don’t trust him at all, I can’t go to him if I’m having troubles or anything, and I’d feel so weird asking his design advice. I know I should just suck it up and power through it, but I can’t stop thinking about the words he used. BELLIGERENT? CONTEMPT? His perception of me is so radically different than how I see myself, it makes me wonder if I’m crazy.

Avoidance

October 17, 2009

"get away from me"

"get away from me"

I was sitting on the train today listening to my ipod and making a list of things that make me uncomfortable when a small Asian man wearing stone-washed pants with an elasticized waist chose to sit down next to me, in a nearly empty car. This happens to me a lot, not necessarily that particular model of weirdo, but something about me appears to be so compelling that people (often those with questionable hygiene) choose to sit next to me in public settings. I have a tactic I’ve developed in response to these repeated attempts, which is actually not a tactic but a course of action. I play rap music on my ipod really loudly, and rap along until the perpetrator leaves. Today I chose Petey Pablo, often it’s Lil’ Kim. I am proud to boast that this strategy has about a 65 percent success rate.

Now, I have a limited amount of friends, and I’m pretty sure none of them like me. That and my lack of any intellectually, economically, or artistically viable pursuits leave me with an incredible amount of free time. Often I go on long walks where I spend the duration of my time reliving childhood humiliations or thinking about possible life pursuits that I don’t feel I’ve already sabotaged (i.e. becoming an R&B video girl). Usually the bonus is that I get to play with lots of dogs, dogs (not unlike people on public transit) really like me, which I find disconcerting. I mean it must be my scent, and dogs also like the scent of other dog’s excrement, and people’s crotches. Anyhow, recently this dog ran up to me and started playing with me, I looked up to see his 50+ punk rock owner and jokingly said “Are you training your dog to pick up girls for you?” He looked offended at what he considered to be a sincere suggestion and responded that he was already married. My response was to be offended that he was incapable of discerning what was obviously a joke and I replied “Whatever, i like bigger dogs anyway.” This also didn’t amuse him. I’m a constant failure.

Crushes. Part Deux.

October 14, 2009

You so sexy.

You so sexy.

Lovely post my raven haired friend, it definitely got me in a crushing frame of mind. For example, my upstairs neighbor has been playing Beatles songs on the sax all evening, and while I have no idea if he’s cute, or perhaps more importantly if he is actually a “he” and not a “she”, I know that I love him. I also have a crush on one of the employees at the Park Slope Co-op, tonight he got me a box cutter and I almost swooned from the romance of it all. But perhaps the most important lesson of my crushes , is that it’s the nervous uncertainty that I like.

Historically, I tend to err more on the side of nervous uncertainty, playing it so safe that I often don’t even introduce myself or talk to my object of affection. Thus dwelling in the painful land of unrequited (or more accurately entirely unknown) love. This summer, however, I have been experimenting….

Lesson One: Airing out all your crazy and then having sex with someone, is often exciting – but not a recommended manner in which to keep the attention of ones’ crush. Because after the exciting part fades, the cray-cray remains. Bad plan.

Lesson Two: Having a crush on a group of guys is NOT the same as having a crush on one fellow in particular. I cannot stress this enough, a charismatic group does not always make for charismatic individuals. In this situation, just mildly crush on everyone. Do not commit!  And then, after you convince them all to have a crush on you, you get the pick of the litter! (Time-willing – sometimes this plan takes years)

Lesson Three: After a rejection, it is easy to think that you would like to date someone who could just be “honest” about their feelings for you. Someone who liked you, and wasn’t afraid to show it. You are wrong. It is stressful in the exact opposite way a crush is stressful – tedious and burdensome. Bummer.

Conclusion: Play it cool. Look at Cool Hand Luke, he is as sexy as they come and is so cool his nickname includes the word.  Although with my track record, I’d probably try to screw him on the first date and wiff that ball too….

Crushes.

October 8, 2009

450flappertoon

I love and hate having crushes. Flashbacks arise to one of my earlier crushes, lets call him, I don’t know, Rob. Actually his name was Rob. Later on I found out that his middle name was Thomas and couldn’t stop making jokes about it, further alienating him. He had a hearing aid and his eyes were set sort of like a hammerhead shark’s, I could have loved him. After a series of failed attempts at initiating, I somehow through a stuttering phone call asked him if he’d like to get a drink. Shockingly, he agreed. I was nervous and reticent with my conversation at a nearby bar.

He attempted to engage in conversation:
“On the count of ten tell me the most embarrassing thing about yourself you can think of.”
I replied with exactly the worst response that could be ushered forth from my mouth:
“I had a UTI last year.”
Immediately I cringed, I’m not sure that I had even had one. You see, I have this nearly demonic voice that makes me say the worst thing possible during situations where I have my personal dignity laid out on the line. Dates and interviews tend to bring this voice out, it was responsible for me spouting out an anecdote related to my urinary tract. It has also been responsible for me being yelled at for trying to touch the artwork in museums. He replied with his most embarrassing moment after a moment’s hesitation.
“I used to be a dj on college radio”
Needless to say I never spoke with him again. I would not be surprised to find out that he has a restraining order against me.

Huge Things

September 25, 2009

hatersI like how our posts contain a running dialog, perhaps this will even demolish any need we have for gchat! …In a parallel universe.

But listen to this, I’ve had one of my worst fears confirmed today: I am cursed. And due to this knowledge, I can never have another female roommate again.

My curse is this, and a deadly one at that: anyone who ever lives with me will have an abortion. Irrational? Yes. But here are the facts. I had 2 college roommates during my time at school, and I know for a fact that they both had abortions within a year of each other. And now, my latest ex-roommate has divulged in her own blog that she, too, had one… exactly a week ago. Woah. So the act itself doesn’t have to occur during the time we live together, but it will eventually happen down the road, as if the abortion fairy takes a look at whoever I live with and says, “this one will bear the mark.” Two times is coincidence, but three times is a pattern!