October 17, 2009

"get away from me"

"get away from me"

I was sitting on the train today listening to my ipod and making a list of things that make me uncomfortable when a small Asian man wearing stone-washed pants with an elasticized waist chose to sit down next to me, in a nearly empty car. This happens to me a lot, not necessarily that particular model of weirdo, but something about me appears to be so compelling that people (often those with questionable hygiene) choose to sit next to me in public settings. I have a tactic I’ve developed in response to these repeated attempts, which is actually not a tactic but a course of action. I play rap music on my ipod really loudly, and rap along until the perpetrator leaves. Today I chose Petey Pablo, often it’s Lil’ Kim. I am proud to boast that this strategy has about a 65 percent success rate.

Now, I have a limited amount of friends, and I’m pretty sure none of them like me. That and my lack of any intellectually, economically, or artistically viable pursuits leave me with an incredible amount of free time. Often I go on long walks where I spend the duration of my time reliving childhood humiliations or thinking about possible life pursuits that I don’t feel I’ve already sabotaged (i.e. becoming an R&B video girl). Usually the bonus is that I get to play with lots of dogs, dogs (not unlike people on public transit) really like me, which I find disconcerting. I mean it must be my scent, and dogs also like the scent of other dog’s excrement, and people’s crotches. Anyhow, recently this dog ran up to me and started playing with me, I looked up to see his 50+ punk rock owner and jokingly said “Are you training your dog to pick up girls for you?” He looked offended at what he considered to be a sincere suggestion and responded that he was already married. My response was to be offended that he was incapable of discerning what was obviously a joke and I replied “Whatever, i like bigger dogs anyway.” This also didn’t amuse him. I’m a constant failure.


One Response to “Avoidance”

  1. superalzy Says:

    I too attract weirdos, creepers and perverts. You can bet if there is one guy in a bar who looks like a potential date rapist or one guy on a bus making “eep!” sounds and then trying to CATCH the sound in his hand…Yeah. Those guys will always pick me.

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